Contains: Storytelling, Mythical Shenanigans People told me I sound like Thor when I do a particular accent sometimes, so I thought it would be cool to kind of give him a try by regaling you all of one of my favorite stories from Norse Mythology lol. I did borrow some from the Neil Gaiman book Norse Mythology, so go and check that out if you haven’t read it, it’s really good! I know he writes it and describes the characters more true to the Morse Mythos, but it’s fun to imagine their Marvel Counterparts in those situations lol. Thor was fun, might have to work on his voice a bit. I think the pacing I went a bit too fast on this, so maybe slow it down a bit next time but hey, not everyone’s perfect lol and there’s always opportunities to try again! ~Audio Transcript Below~ Thor: So…I heard you wanted me to tell you a story from my past. I don’t blame you, I have lived quite a more interesting life compared to well….most Midgardians. So allow me to tell you all about the time that I, Thor, god of thunder, mightiest of all the Aesir, the strongest, the bravest, the most valiant in battle…..lost his hammer. Alright, so in all actuality, I didn’t lose Mjolnir, it was taken from me. One morning, I wasn’t entirely awake yet–had been partying the night before, you know how it is–but I already knew, something was off. I reach for Mjolnir by my bedside, don’t feel it. I try calling for it, doesn’t come. Now Mjolnir, the hammer of the gods, kept Asgard safe from all the dangers that menaced it. Frost giants, ogres, trolls, dark elves, monsters of any kind, all were frightened of me and Mjolnir. I loved my hammer, and the hammer, wasn’t there. So, whenever things went wrong back then, there was usually two things I’d do. Ask myself if what was going on was Loki’s fault, or if it wasn’t, go ask Loki for advice. At this point, I don’t even think my brother was stupid enough to try to take my hammer, so I went and found him. I said, “Don’t tell anyone, but Mjolnir’s been stolen.” And he made that face he always makes when he’s upset, like he stepped in something unpleasant wearing new boots or something. “That’s not good news,” he said, and then told me he’d try to find out what he could. He was gone for a lot longer than I would have like to be perfectly honest. Not a lot of good usually comes from Loki being away for any long period of time. So I waited for him in the court of Asgard, and when he finally came back, I knew he knew something–because it’s Loki, he always knows something–and I asked him what in Hell he had found out and that he needed to tell me immediately before he’s had a chance to plan anything. Loki just smiled–not a good thing by the way–and told me that Thrym, the lord of all the Ogres, had stolen my hammer, and that he had persuaded him to return it to me, but at a price, again, not a good thing. But at the time, sounded fair–I just wanted Mjolnir back–and I asked what the price was. It was Freya’s hand…in marriage. “Just her hand?” I had asked, because maybe she could be persuaded to give up one of them. But no, Loki said all of her. So I told him that he could tell her, because he’s vastly better at persuading people when I don’t have my hammer. We go to Freya’s court, and try to explain the situation, and frankly, she took it a lot better than I originally thought. She didn’t agree, so still not good, but better. I can honestly say looking back on it now I’m surprised she didn’t try to whoop our arses right then and there. We were lucky to get out of there unscathed, really. So she obviously didn’t agree, so we called all of the council and everyone together to try to figure out what we should do. We talked and argued and debated all day trying to figure out a way to get Mjolnir back. Loki shot down every damn idea, poking it full of holes until they all fell apart. Everyone had made a suggestion at that point, except for Heimdall. Now, there isn’t a thing in the known realms that Heimdall does not see, and sometimes even things that have not yet come to pass, so Loki asked him if he had a suggestion. Surprisingly–or not depending on how you look at it–Heimdall says, ‘Yes. But you won’t like it.” At this point, I was just frustrated that we had been walking and talking around this issue, so I told him it didn’t matter whether or not we liked it, that we are Asgardians and that there’s nothing any of us wouldn’t do to get Mjolnir back, and just to tell us damn idea already. But he insisted again, that we weren’t going to like it, so I insisted back that we would. So Heimdall sighs, and says. “I think we should dress you up as a bride. Have you wear a bridal crown, stuff you in a dress and make it look like a woman. Veil your face, and have you wear jewels and–” I interrupted because honestly, what kind of idea was that? There was no way that they were going to dress me up as a woman, I mean look at me! I have a beard, I couldn’t shave off my beard! I tried to protest but Loki just told me to shut up as always and told Heimdall that it was a lovely plan and that everyone should help me prepare for my wedding night. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, that’s not even the best part. So, despite my protests, all the woman came and dressed me up in all of the shit that a highborn Aesir would on her wedding day. They covered my face with a veil and put a huge bridal crown on my head. But apparently, my eyes didn’t look feminine enough. So they tried their best to hide them and still let me see. Loki, the bastard, changed his shape to a maidservant and said he’d go with me to make sure I didn’t fuck anything up, and as we raced away to the land of the giants I told Loki that I had a bad feeling about what was about to happen. He just told me to shut up and that my voice would give everything away so to just let him do all the talking. Which at that point was fine by me. So we land in the courtyard, and they have a fresh path made of straw for us to walk on, so we walk across it, but had to lift the skirts so they wouldn’t drag through the muck anyway. A giant woman was waiting for us, and she told us that she was Thrym’s sister, and while she pinched Loki’s disguised cheek, she prodded me in the chest and said, “This is the most beautiful woman in the world? Doesn’t look like much to me. And when she picked up her skirts, it looked like her ankles were as thick as small tree trunks”–which they are, but that’s not the point of this–and I knew immediately even more that this whole plan wasn’t going to work. I almost revealed myself right then, ready to kick arse and take my hammer back however I could, but Loki, smooth snake that he is, replied saying that it was just a trick of the light and that I was the most beautiful of all the Asgardians. He then asked where my groom was, and the wedding feast, and that I was so excited that he’s barely been able to restrain me. I could hardly restrain myself from throttling him right there. The bastard was making fun of me knowing that I couldn’t argue back. So they take us to the great hall for this feast, and a thought hits me. I ask Loki, “What if he wants me to sit next to him?” Loki tells me I have to do it because that’s where a bride sits, but he didn’t understand. What if he tried to put his hand on my leg? I told Loki so and he made that face again, and agreed that he’d sit in between us, and lie and say it’s out custom. Thankfully, that seemed to work. Thrym sat at the head of the table, and Loki sat in between us. With a clap of his hands, Thrym summoned giant serving men, carrying five whole roast oxen, twenty whole baked salmon–each of them the size of a ten-year-old Migardian–and carried dozens of little trays of pastries and other things intended for the women. They were followed by more servers, who each brought in a cask of mead, so heavy that each of them struggled to carry it. Thrym announces that the mead is for the ‘beautiful Freya’, and he might have said something else, but at this point, I was so completely over this entire thing already, that I figured I might as well get some food in me while I was there. I took all the pastries I could get, because I was both hungry and perhaps a little bit vindictive, and I ate as much as I wanted. I know Loki tried to kick me underneath the table several times, but I ignored him in favor of the food. I must’ve eaten a whole oxen and several salmon right down to the bones by myself. If they were going to give a feast, by the gods I was going to give them a run for their money. By this time, Thrym had of course noticed how much I had eaten and drank, and found it curious. It was quite entertaining to watch Loki glare at me and try to figure out how to explain it. A little payback for the comments from earlier. So he comes up with the excuse, “She hasn’t eaten for eight days or eight nights.” Then he offered me that terrible smile. “She was so keen to come to the land of the giants and make love to her new husband. Now that she’s here she’s finally eating again, so nice to see you eating again, my dear.” To be perfectly honest I almost blew out cover there again because of Loki and his damn manipulation. I glared at him through the veil with all the strength I had, a promise that I was going to kick his arse once all was said and done. I almost jumped up when Thrym then said he wanted to kiss me. Thankfully, Loki decided to stop being such an arse, and advised against it. Unfortunately, Thrym tried anyway, and even though Loki reached out to try to stop him, it was too late, and he reached for the veil. He jumped back thankfully, a little shaken, and tapped Loki upon the shoulder and asked if he could speak with him. Unfortunately for me, they took a step into the hall to speak, and that left me out of eye and earshot of what Loki was saying. No doubt it was another smooth lie to embarrass me, but I admit now that I’m glad he did it. Unfortunately, while they were gone, Thyrm’s sister had come down upon me, and was trying to threaten/persuade me to give her all of the rings the other goddesses had adorned me with before we left, that if I didn’t things were going to get nasty. Can you believe that, threatening a bride like that? Thankfully, Loki and Thrym had returned, and Loki asked if it was time for the wedding. Thankfully, Thrym agreed and called to bring Mjolnir to sanctify the bride–ergo–me. I don’t know how they had bound the hammer or carried it, but it took four giants to get it from below the hall. They placed it on my lap, and Thrym said to me. “Now, let me hear your voice, tell me that you love me. Tell me that you will pledge yourself to me as women have pledged themselves to men, and men to women, since the beginning of time. What do you say?” I had to smile behind the veil. I took Mjolnir in my hand, and stood. It felt so familiar and comfortable in my hand. I laughed, a deep, booming laugh. “What I say,” I said, in a voice appropriately like thunder. “Is that you should not have stolen my hammer.” I hit Thrym with Mjolnir only once, because that’s all that it took. The ogre fell to the straw covered floor and did not rise again. All the giants and ogres fell beneath my hammer. When the hall was silent, I called out for my brother. He appeared out from underneath a table, in his original form and surveyed the carnage. “Well,” he said, “You appear to have handled the problem.” At this point, I was already taking off the skirts with relief. I stood there, in nothing but a shirt in a room full of dead giants. So, all in all, it wasn’t all as bad as I feared. I got Mjolnir back, and I had a good dinner. So I told Loki, “Let’s go home.”